You can only heal yourself…

Q: I wanted to ask about projection. When you have successfully worked on a specific projection that has come to your attention from your partner/child and you no longer see it in them – I understand that you either no longer see it in that person or if you do, it does not bother you. However, does the other person also have this trait/limiting belief in order to receive your projection? and once we heal it, will they be healed as well, or will it continue to cause issues for them during their life with other people? I think what I am trying to ask is, can we heal others to the same degree as our own healing?  Thank you.

A: We only have the ability to heal us, we do not have the ability to change or heal others at any degree.  We can lead by example and or share our experience of how we worked through something, however healing can only take place inside a persons own mind, and every individual has that ability to change.

Holiday Season

Q: The holiday season is now coming up and, as a single person, I have issues with holidays.  This year I want to arrange a holiday that is special and relaxing, probably going alone but not really liking the idea of a holiday alone. What would your advice be about creating a holiday that nurtures me and flows easily?  I usually go on holiday with friends but the last one was, I found, quite stressful and I feel that now it’s time to branch out alone, although I feel apprehensive about this.

 A: Most people are apprehensive about embracing the new, this is because it can be a very liberating experience if we allow it to be. There are so many ventures out there I would suggest that you narrow things down by defining what nurturing and flows easily means to you, research these areas, ask for testimonials, this helps you communicate with others to help you find the best possible holiday for you. You can go anywhere in world, there will always lessons to be learned and when they are learned these experience’s bring tremendous growth.

Any comments or suggestions from anyone are welcome.

Family Support

Q: I have some issues with my family regarding support. I have been doing the personal development work now for 2 years and I love it – my life has transformed. However, my family don’t support me, they think of me as crazy and my sister calls it the ‘wanky projection stuff’. Most of the time I am ok with it, however, recently I have wanted to move forward and further my development. In order to do this, I need their support in terms of looking after my daughter for 1 day every few weeks. However, whenever I ask for any kind of support, I am met with reluctance and negative comments. I find it hard to get a balance between being with my family and experiencing their negativity and doing what I love. I feel a quiet despair at times. I want to move forward but it sometimes feels like I have to choose between my family and my happiness. Thank you.

A: There is always duality inside our mind, in actual fact these are the two conflicting aspects inside your own mind. When you are developing yourself, it is impossible to stay in negativity. I would ask first of all, why do you need their support? What I see from what you have written is that your happiness is conditional on the family’s support. There are so many options waiting there for you when you are really ready for happiness. If you can respect your family and how frightened they are and have no expectation on them, you can then only move forward putting your needs first and this brings the perfect balance inside you.

Win-Win

Q: My question is that recently the council have said we are infringing on our neighbours boundary, when in fact both neighbours are infringing on ours! This is something we have known since we bought the house, but have chosen not to change things. What do I need to do about my personal boundaries, as I have been clearly given an indication something needs to change?

 A: Any conflict is always a place of opportunity, a new place for healing. A healthy personal boundary is a space around yourself that gives you a clear sense of who you are and where you’re going.

When you choose who you allow into your physical, emotional and mental space, you’re activating your personal boundaries. Have the facts (if possible, in writing) and then back up for the facts (evidence), then you will have confidence in yourself to move the situation forward; be honest with yourself with your true feelings and opinions.

You have clearly been given an indication that something needs to change as it will surface time and time again until you address the situation. Always go for a win-win and find a solution acceptable to all parties involved. It is not the truth unless everyone wins; settle for nothing less than everyone feeling as if they have won, this brings a new integrity into the situation. Your attitude towards the conflict will begin to show you the natural way through it.

Pain

Q: I have a question about attachment. I watched a film recently that had a profound effect on me. The film itself is very moving so I was roaring anyway! However, the mother character made me feel uncomfortable. She had given up her life to care for her daughter, who now didn’t want that anymore. The mother won’t let go and her sister asks her “who would you be if you weren’t this woman who had given up your whole life to save your daughter?”

As a parent I didn’t want to identify with how she wouldn’t let go, and whilst my situation is different, I could see the pain and the drive we have as parents. I have spent the past 2 years working on letting go and control, and my relationship with my daughter has transformed. However, my daughter has recently started school full time and it is bringing up a lot of emotion. I stayed at home with her in the main and so we have been largely together since she was born. There is no doubt that I want to let go, but I am wondering why it is so painful? I mainly don’t ‘parent’ her as she doesn’t need that, she wants me to just be there as a person. I think in some ways I feel redundant. Am I still attached to the parent role and is this why I feel this way?

A: Pain means you are making a mistake and that you still haven’t learned the lesson.  It is a place where you have removed yourself from the situation because it seemed too difficult.  By deciding not to recognise the relationship, you cut yourself off and you are suffering as a result.

 I would suggest that you question a few aspects from your story:

1. What exactly you are uncomfortable about?  
2. Why you are highlighting your situation is different?
3. Why you don’t parent your child and how you know she wants you there as a person?

Love is the opposite of pain. To let go is not to deny but to accept.  You would not be in pain if you had truly let go. Wisdom comes from learning the lesson and starts to heal the pain. The reason you feel redundant is because you are the one who has made yourself that.

My Girl

Q: I’ve been in love with someone for a long time but never directly declared my feelings of love but skirted all round the houses for years.  Finally she has returned to a previous relationship after years apart.  Now I feel a great deal of loss for what never happened and regret for not having revealed my true feelings. Apart from anything I miss seeing her but can’t as it’s too painful!  It’s an issue of unrequited love and lost opportunities.

A: There are no lost opportunities only delayed ones.  You were not ready to go into this relationship that is why you held yourself back.  Commitment means being true to yourself getting to know the richness and depth of your being.  Today write down what it is you would like to do differently now?  How much more would you choose to give yourself in this situation? What would you have done differently? Feel the feelings that rise up inside you. When you are truly ready the right person will be put in your path for you to really give yourself when you truly give yourself fully moving through any painful feelings, you emerge with a new sense of love, power and passion.

Sabotage

Q. I have a really nice space from which I do my work that I love, but anytime I try to bring in more clients I continue to sabotage myself in every possible way I can think. Why is this?

 Q. Sabotage, why am I holding back on allowing clients to come forward, I know I am controlling it, I am using the excuse I am tired just now and I am, however I know if I really wanted to I could energise myself?

A. Sabotage happens when we are about to go to a whole new level of success.  With the courage to accept, we can have it all, giving up on having true abundance is not the highest maturity.  Creating problems always means fear of receiving, to resolve sabotage totally give yourself.  What you give creates your experience, the more you give the more you will receive.

My Life

 Q . All appears well, my life is on a good path I believe. Love my job, I have met a wonderful man who is intelligent, thoughtful and very loving something I thought I could never have!  The new gent in my life is no oil painting and does not have status which I craved from others and find I am focusing on what other people will think, all is great  so why do I feel so shallow? 

I am also thinking am I ready to be in a relationship there may be a handsome business man or famous person out there and if I get involved with my new gent then I will have blown it. I know this is bull—- and may be sabotaging the relationship which makes me feel amazing. How can I stop thinking this way?

 A. You feel so shallow as you haven’t committed yourself to giving it your best shot, many of us are afraid of commitment because we think that it is a form of imprisonment.  Your fear is a reaction to the lack of freedom you had as a child or a past relationship where you gave up being yourself for others approval. Both are actually the same.  Commitment is Freedom what we give creates our freedom.  Your focus on what other people think is your irresponsibility to take ownership for your judgment, so you project what is in your own mind out on to others and blame them for your own feelings.  Write down every circumstance you can remember where you lacked freedom as a child and or gave up being yourself in relationships, you will begin to see a behavioural pattern that would be really beneficial to transform.

Study

Q.  My studying panics me as my retention of important things to learn is lacking, I find the paperwork confusing and feel like a headless chicken how can I change this mind block?

 A . Any problem is the fear of taking the next step, if you are willing to take the next step the problem will disappear.  Very basically a problem is the part of the mind where we are not giving a part of ourselves, a part that is being withheld. Panic is not trusting yourself.  If you think back to past experience anytime we move forward it is always for the best. So today move forward, trust and if you need clarity on confusing paperwork ask for help.  This will give inner peace instead of feeling like a heedless chicken.